Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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