Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
