"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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