somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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