just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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