if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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