so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
