im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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