filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
