Plan B is the new Plan A
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
