can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
