My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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