You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
