I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
