We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
