Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
