i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
