If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
