i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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