Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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