Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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