They should really pass out barf bags in church
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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