I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
