Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
