Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
