my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
