I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
