We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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