If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
