she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
