there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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