my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize