Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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