I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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