listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
