I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
