Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
