hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
