so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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