I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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