So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
