Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
