i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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