I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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