Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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