I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
