Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
