he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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