You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
