if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
