After last night, I could never be a politician.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize