Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize