And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
