You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
