I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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