On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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