I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
