Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
