How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
