non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
