I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
