I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize