She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
