My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
