i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
