Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sober January is a disaster.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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