I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
