My friends, they love my intelligence
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize