when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
