allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
