Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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