I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize