Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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