His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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