The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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