Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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